


Farewells, Of A Sort

by mocha_sun



Series: Around The World In 80 Days [1]
Category: HLVRAI - Fandom, Half-Life VR but the AI is Self-Aware - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Gen, Goodbyes, Guilt, Melancholy, Self-Esteem Issues, They/Them Pronouns for Benrey (Half-Life), They/Themrey, bitches help, i'm sorry hhsdgjshfklg, self-deprecation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-13 00:21:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29144373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mocha_sun/pseuds/mocha_sun
Summary: Benrey auto-respawns after death, whether as a skeleton or in the flesh. They can't choose the location, and they have no idea how a location is chosen. Sometimes, they wish they could choose, if only to escape the most recent situation they found themself in. Running away from problems comes much easier to an eldritch being with no respect for the laws of nature. Feelings happen to be unavoidable, though, sometimes.
Series: Around The World In 80 Days [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2140212
Comments: 7
Kudos: 18





	Farewells, Of A Sort

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this in an hour and fifteen minutes on impulse please enjoy this pain i cried writing it so feel free to cry reading it.  
> idk what i did i didnt read this over after writing it and its not beta read so if there's mistakes that's the reason and i don't care enough to agonize over it.  
> tws: self-deprecating thoughts out of guilt; chuck e cheese is referred to as a restaurant.

Benrey sat outside an old, crumbly building, its once vibrant signs nearly as dull as the concrete bricks the building was made out of. They leaned against the wall-length windows facing the parking lot, gazing in with a melancholy expression as their breath fogged up the glass in the chilly evening air. 

Inside, there was a party happening. Most of the building had been turned into a dance floor, lit with flashing, rotating lights, sparkles from disco balls, and glowing lamps along the edges. 

To the right, a handful of tables and booths were clustered in the remaining space, covered in cheap plastic tablecloths patterned with cartoon balloons. Only some of them had food and drinks on them, half-eaten pizzas and crushed soda cans.

Right in front of the windows is a low stage, where some people danced as well, and some sang along to the loud EDM remix blaring from the speakers. It was loud enough to be heard from outside, and that was the only way Benrey knew. 

It wasn't actually the only reason, but they didn't want to think about it. 

At the largest table, really made of a few tables pushed together, sat six people. All of them at least a little familiar to Benrey, which made their presence here hurt even more, though they figured after everything that had come to pass, they deserve this ironic torment. 

One of the figures blew out a shocking amount of candles from where they were crammed onto the surface of a cake, and the others clapped and cheered, louder than even the music still blasting ear-splittingly from the speakers. 

Benrey hummed a little, keeping their mouth closed as to not let the coloured lights escape from their throat at the sound. Their attention was pulled back to a different figure at the table, one their eyes kept slipping back to no matter how much they tried to stop, no matter how much it hurt. 

The man was tall and well-built, with wavy brown hair tied in a messy ponytail that went past his shoulders. His shoulders shook with laughter, crow's feet wrinkling at the edges of his eyes as his face lit up what was probably just the table, though to Benrey it seemed like the whole world. 

They choked, looking away and ducking down to groan painfully into their arm, muted brown fairy lights escaping from where it didn't cover their mouth fully. 

Brown of deserts means this really hurts. 

Once the persisting low tone tapered off, Benrey lifts their head back up, watching the rest of the lights fade into the twilight sky. How did they let their life come to this? Sitting beside a ruined old restaurant, watching from outside as all of their friends celebrated a birthday with tired but genuine joy. 

They wished they could blame it on fate. But part of their mind kept thinking that maybe, just perhaps, it wasn't fate, but rather their own fault, constant failures and mistakes and missteps causing problem after problem. If they thought about it,- which they now did, willing or not,- they'd just been walking in circles stepping on the same rake over and over and over and over and o-

Benrey shook their head to wave off the thoughts. It didn't matter, it happened, and it didn't matter why it happened, because the knowledge wouldn't change anything for anyone. 

Another round of yelling and cheering brought their attention back up to the window, and peering in, they saw the same man that had blown out the candles shotgunning soda after soda as the rest of the group counted the cans ecstatically. Tears welled in Benrey's eyes and they ripped their gaze off of his now-former best friend, choking on more brown notes. 

They sat that way for a while, facing away from the lively restaurant and peering into the quickly darkening sky. _Now what,_ they thought. _What do I do with my existence now?_

It was a charged question, philosophical in nature, and if Benrey wasn't so unhappy they'd have scoffed at the mere thought of then asking a philosophical question with even a drop of seriousness. Now, instead, they really thought about it, fully considering their options, though they quickly discovered there weren't many. Enough to count on a hand. Humanoid hand. 

One. They could try to go in and apologize to their friends, apologize for hurting them all so much whether it was their intention or not. They'd consider it, but they had not even a drop of hope. The best reasonable result that could come of them waltzing in and laying their heart bare would be their survival and some closure. 

Two. They could go back to the borderworld they'd lived in for ages before they'd moved from there to Earth. It was a long story, and a boring one. Just about as boring as the borderworld itself was, after having lived there for a long time. 

Three. They could take a break back in the void. They'd just returned from it, having involuntarily reformed on Earth. Forcibly respawning after death was a nuisance, especially when it ended with this, so maybe going back to the void and sleeping for a couple hundred years would be a good break. 

Four. They could travel Earth, see what else this planet has to offer. It's so much larger than the borderworld, there'd bound to be something else interesting. They'd have to put all of their time into it, which was the goal. 

Five. They could fuck off to space somewhere, find a completely different planet to check out, far away from their mistakes in this one. This seemed like the best choice, yet the only feeling Benrey got from it was the knot in their stomach twisting tighter. 

That was it, their spectacularly short list of choices. Naively hoping to find some sort of advice or assistance in the eyesore of a restaurant, they realized that while they'd been contemplating, the place had gone quieter, music at a much lower volume and normal indoor voices being the loudest sounds the people inside emitted. 

Their former friends sat around that big table again, sipping soda and chatting, a few of them dozing, heads rested on the surface of the table. 

Dark green lights bubbled from their throat, fizzling out against the glass as they tried and failed to suppress it. 

Dark green like holly means I feel so melancholy.

Tired of their own indecision, Benrey made a choice led by gut feelings alone as they pulled off their protective gear they had still been wearing, for lack of will to take it off. 

They took another bit of time to just sit and stare at the starry sky, letting their thoughts slip away for the first time since they had rebuilt their body in the empty parking lot. 

Once they felt they'd sat around enough, Benrey stood up, pushing off of the wall. A glance behind them revealed all of their friends were now asleep, leaning on each other and the table, more peaceful than Benrey had seen them in ages. 

Their heart twinged, as though pierced by a glass shard, and they made one last split-second decision on impulse. 

Pulling open the door with an anxious inhale, Benrey padded over to the table with silent steps, and set down their protective gear, as well as anything but the bare necessities (clothes). Glancing around hurriedly, they snagged a mostly clean napkin from a neighboring table, and a ballpoint pen from a clipboard by the entrance. _Might as well leave a note, they can't react badly to an apology if I'm not there._ Their logic was flawed, but resolutely, Benrey scribbled out a farewell note to the people who had been more important to them than anything else had been for a few centuries. Tears spilling over once again and wetting the thin paper, they took off the worn down thread bracelet that they'd worn for years and placed it on top of the napkin beside the pen, and set the napkin in front of their former best friend. 

That was it, they wagered. Their affairs in order, so to speak. Benrey sighed, letting out a few last clouds of dirt brown and dark green, letting the lights cluster at the ceiling as though they were a storm cloud. Maybe their friends will see the lights, maybe they won't. They'll be gone by then anyway. 

Benrey swiped the last of their tears off their face and backed away from the table as silently as they had approached, then they turned and left through the main doors, letting them click closed behind them. They didn't care about volume, if the group hadn't woken up from their plumes of sweet voice, they wouldn't wake up from the click of a door. 

The view in front of them was a pleasant one, even serene, maybe. It was silent, the air chilly enough for their breath to condensate visibly. The stars shone clearly, not enough light pollution to blur them out, and before Benrey spread a vast expanse of brown and orange desert sands, studded with sparse, dry vegetation and towering mesas. Their posture relaxed the tiniest bit from their tense, rigid position they'd accidentally kept the whole evening. 

Benrey shoved their hands in their pockets, and with a gentle night breeze blowing their hair past their face as if to urge them on, they let their former life slip away as they strolled out into the desert. A blank slate drawn up, reflecting in their blank expression, neutral posture, and aching, empty heart.

**Author's Note:**

> by the way the only reason i chose a side for the chuck e cheese debate for this writing is because i looked it up and chuck e cheese's website and Wikipedia article both say it's a restaurant. i personally think its somewhere in the middle between entertainment center and restaurant so please don't come for me with pitchforks and torches i just needed a term to write this with.
> 
> proper fic updates coming soon, this just kinda spontaneously happened.


End file.
